Thursday, October 15, 2009

Will Life Please Get Better?

I'm drowning. I'm drowning in phlem. I'm drowning in school work. I'm drowning in promises, committments, life. Every morning I lay in bed and I just don't want to get up. It's to the point where I m late on some assignments. I just don't care. There's this voice in the back of my head that's screaming "You need to do this stuff!" but I ignore it. Why? Because I don't care. I don't care about a degree. I don't care about getting a job. I don't care about class. Why should I when it seems like everytime I take a step forward, I get thrown about 20 feet back?

I can't pay for school. I can't finish classes. I can't understand what I'm studying. I'm just floating through, praying I might make it through. But it doesn't matter. None of this does. Not when bad people who do nothing but bad, get to the highest peaks while those of us who play by the rules lay at the bottom.

I want to run away from this school. I hate this school. At this point, I just like a few people I attend school with. That's it. I even feel hated by some students here, simply because I'm not afraid to say I'm a Republican. I don't like the classes. I don't like the professors. I just want out. And yes, technically, I should be leaving in May. But guess what, I need a class. A class that is only offered in the fall. I didn't find out I needed the class until it was too late to add the class this sem. Oh and I already had a class at that time. The chances that the professor will let me take it as an independent study next semester is slim to none. He does't like me. I don't like him. I've not proven to him I deserve it.

But I refuse to have to come back in the fall for one stupid class. So you know what that means? That means I have to go above the professor, who happens to be the chair of the poli sci department. That means I am jeopardizing a lot. I don't even know if anyone above him will let me take the class an independent study. They'll probably just tell me they're sorry, but I have to come back in the fall. WHICH IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER!! WHY SHOULD I COME BACK FOR ONE STUPID CLASS? I can't come part time because I don't live in this town. I live 3 1/2 hours away. Which means I'd have to go full time. that's 4 classes! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COSTS AT THIS SCHOOL? I don't have that money and my options for loans is nill!

I really can't do this anymore. After this weekend, which is fall break, if things have not changed, I'm going to have to e-mail my advisor and the head of the department and let them know what's going on. I'm having a breakdown. And it's only getting worse.

I really just don't like life right now at all.

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